The Emotional Components of Bonding With Preemies

March 13th, 2012 | 13 Comments
Written by NPN Guest
Posted in Attachment Parenting, Birth, Consistent Care, Holistic Health, Nurturing Touch, Parenting Philosophies, Preparing for Parenting, Responding With Sensitivity, Special Needs

Welcome to the March 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting With Special Needs

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared how we parent despite and because of challenges thrown our way. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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Helping soothe our baby during medical procedures reminded us that we're the parents!

Having a premature baby comes as a surprise to many parents. Some parents are aware early in pregnancy of their likelihood of having a preemie due to various complications, medical conditions, or the discovery of having multiples, but for many others, the early birth of their baby is a surprise.

Even when a premature baby is completely healthy, many emotions come to the surface that perhaps would not have been there had the baby been born closer to his or her expected time of delivery. Besides the feeling of surprise, emotions including anger, shock, disappointment, fear, and worry are also common for parents of preemies to feel.¹ Not discounting the happiness of getting to meet one’s baby for the first time, parents of preemies experience a range of emotions that contribute to how the bonding process begins with the new little life that has been born.

The various feelings felt by parents of premature babies contribute to the bonding process. The pain of life in the NICU is very real. Having to ask permission to hold or feed your baby can be taxing, not to mention the feeling of watching other mothers leave the hospital with their new bundles of joy in their arms. I remember seeing other new parents, giddy upon their discharge, strapping their babies into their car seats for the first time and heading home as a family. Seeing them as I walked in and out of the hospital doors alone, while my baby laid in his plastic bassinet with tubes and wires monitoring his every breath and heartbeat, consumed me with feelings of guilt, anger, jealousy, and sadness. Add to that the mess of postpartum hormones, and it’s only natural that bonding with a preemie may come as a challenge. But Dr. Robert Sears advises that bonding with your child is a process.² The chaos of NICU life has the potential to rob parents of the joy of new a baby, but with the right focus and deliberate choices, we can enjoy bonding with our preemies.

Adopting the “this is my baby” attitude is one of the best ways to forge ahead with the bonding process. In my experience, I found that each time I remembered, “Hey, this is MY baby!” I felt relief. I didn’t have to tiptoe around the doctors and nurses and let them do whatever they pleased with my baby. Of course, maintaining a level of respect and kindness was important too, but realizing I didn’t have to just sit there with a hands-off approach was empowering. I asked questions when I didn’t understand something that was going on, I imposed my parenting beliefs when it was medically safe, I stood strong with my intent to breastfeed and hold my baby as much as possible, and all of those things really helped. Bonding was intentional for me, and once I realized I didn’t have to feel hesitant or sheepish around the neonatologist or nervously ask for permission from nurses to hold or feed my baby, our bond grew even deeper. (I do want to note that the NICU staff where we were was phenomenal—no one bossed me around or was rude to me.) Once I understood that this was my baby, I felt empowered and motherly, which only promoted the natural nurturing of my little baby.

It is completely normal for certain emotions like anger, resentment, and guilt to get in the way of moms feeling like we can or even want to bond with our premature babies. However, trusting that the bonding and love will come, and knowing that the more time we spend with our babies with bring us closer to that point, can help us to get over the hump and into the swing of things.

Having other children at home, balancing responsibilities between home life and NICU life, all while wondering if your preemie is okay and questioning why he or she came early can all stifle our natural desire to bond with our new babies. Remaining by your baby’s side when possible is a sure way to work toward a healthy bonding relationship. Don’t worry about the times you can’t be there or when other responsibilities seem to be too overwhelming to ignore. Your baby knows you and knows you love him or her.

Focus on what you can do, and do it. Touch your baby in ways that are developmentally and medically safe, sing and talk to your baby (being aware of their stimulation tolerances), feed your baby your milk when possible (there are many ways to do this!), and soon you will find you and your baby are bonding as any normal, healthy mother-baby pair would.

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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon March 13 with all the carnival links.)

• Parenting A Child With Neutropenia — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama discusses the challenge of parenting a young child who cannot produce enough neutrophils to fight off bacterial infections.
• How I Love My High Need Baby — Shannon at GrowingSlower was shocked to find she is parenting a high-needs baby, but she’s surviving thanks to attachment parenting.
• We’re a Lot Like You — kaidera at Our Little Acorn talks about how her family is similar to others, even with all their special needs
• The Emotional Components of Bonding with Preemies — Having a premature baby can bring on many unexpected emotions for parents, but working through those emotions can bring about a wonderful bonding experience. Adrienne at Natural Parents Network shares.
• Raising a babe with IUGR: from birth through the toddler years — Rachel at Lautaret Bohemiet shares the story of how her son’s post-birth IUGR diagnosis affected his first days of life and gave her an unexpected tutorial in advocating for their rights as a family.
• When a grandparent has a disability — Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes shares how she has approached explaining her mother’s disability to her young child.
• Taking The Time To Really See Our Children — Sam at Love Parenting writes about her experiences working with children with various disabilities and how it has affected her parenting style.
• Natural Parenting In An Unnatural Environment — Julie at What I Would Tell You gives us a glimpse into how she improvised to be a natural parent against all odds.
• Getting Through the NICU — Laura at Authentic Parenting gives a few pointers on how to deal with your newborn’s stay in the NICU.
• Living With Sensory Processing Disorder — Christy at Adventures in Mommyhood talks about the challenges that can come from living with a child who has SPD.
• Our rules for NICU – March Carnival — Hannabert’s Mom shares her family’s rules for family and friends of a NICU baby.
• Letter from Mineral’s Service Dog — Erika at Cinco de Mommy imagines the letter that accompanies her special needs son’s Service Dog.
• Blessings in Unexpected Places — That Mama Gretchen welcomes an inspiring guest post from a dear friend who shares about the blessings that come from a child with Down syndrome.
• Tube Feeding with a Blenderized Diet of Whole Foods — Erica at ChildOrganics shares her experiences with using real food when feeding her daughter who was unable to feed herself and needed a feeding tube.
• Abbey and Evan — Amyables at Toddler In Tow writes about watching her preschooler play with her friend who is autistic and deaf, and wonders how she can explain his special needs better.
• How to Minimise the Chance of a {Genetically Prone} Child Being Diagnosed with ADHD — Christine at African Babies Don’t Cry shares her tips on keeping a child who is genetically prone to ADHD from suffering the effects.
• Tough Decisions: Parenting With Special Needs — Brenna at Almost All The Truth shares what has been keeping her up at night worrying, while spending her days discovering just what her options are for her precocious child.
• Life with my son — For Dr. Sarah at Good Enough Mum, life with an autistic child is just another variation on the parenting experience.
• Dear Special Needs Mama — Sylvia at MaMammalia writes a letter of encouragement to herself and other mamas of special needs children.
• His Voice — Laura at WaldenMommy relives the day her son said his first sentence.

• What is ‘wrong’ with you’ The challenge of raising a spirited child — Tara at MUMmedia discusses the challenges of raising a child who is ‘more’ intense, stubborn, and strong willed than your average child.
• Tips for Parenting a Child With Special Medical Needs — Jorje of Momma Jorje shares her shortlist of tips she’s learned in parenting a newborn with special medical needs in a guest post at Becoming Crunchy.
• Parenting the Perfectionist Child — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children discusses that as parents of gifted children, we are in the unique position to help them develop the positive aspects of their perfectionism.
• Montessori-Inspired Special Needs Support — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now gives a list of websites and blogs with Montessori-inspired special-needs information and activities.
• Accommodating Others’ Food Allergies — Ever wonder how to handle another family’s food allergies or whether you should just skip the play date altogether? At Code Name: Mama, Dionna’s friend Kellie (whose family has a host of allergies) shares how grateful she is when friends welcome them, as well as a list of easy snacks you can consider.
• Only make promises you can keep — Growing up the child of a parent with a chronic illness left a lasting impact on Laura of A Pug in the Kitchen and what she is willing to promise for the future.
• A Mom and Her Son — Jen at Our Muddy Boots was fortunate to work with a wonderful family for several summers, seeing the mother of this autistic son be his advocate, but not in the ways she thought.
• Guest Post from Maya at Musings of A Marfan Mom — Zoie at TouchstoneZ is honored to share a guest post from Maya, who writes about effective tools she has found as a parent of two very special boys.
• You Don’t Have to Be a Rock — Rachael at The Variegated Life finds steadiness in allowing herself to cry.
• When Special Needs Looks “Normal” — Amy at Anktangle writes about her experience with mothering a son who has Sensory Processing Disorder. She offers some tips (for strangers, friends, and loved ones) on how to best support a family dealing with this particular neurological challenge.
• Special Needs: Limitation or Liberation? — Melissa of White Noise describes the beauty in children with special needs.
• How I Learned It’ll Be Okay — Ashley at Domestic Chaos reflects on what she learned while nannying for a boy with verbal delays.
• Attachment Parenting and Depression — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses how attachment parenting has helped her get a clearer image of herself as a parent and of her depression.
• On invisible special needs & compassion — Lauren at Hobo Mama points out that even if we can’t see a special need, it doesn’t mean it’s not there.
• Thoughts on Parenting Twins — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings shares her approach to parenting twins.
• ABCs of Breastfeeding in the NICU — Jona at Breastfeeding Twins offers tips for establishing breastfeeding in the alphabet soup of the NICU.
• Life With Michael – A Mother’s Experience of Life With Aspergers Disorder — At Diary of a First Child, Luschka’s sister-in-law Nicky shares her experience as mother to a child on the Autism Spectrum. It is filled with a mother’s love and devotion to her child as an individual, not a label.
• Raised by a Special Needs Mom — Momma Jorje shares what it was like growing up as the daughter of a mother with a handicap.
• Becoming a Special Needs Mom — Ellen at These Broken Vases shares about becoming the mother of a child with Down syndrome
• She Said It Was “Vital” — Alicia of Lactation Narration (and My Baby Sweets) discusses the conflict she felt when trying to decide whether therapy was necessary for her daughter.

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Adrienne is a first time mom to her mellow sweetie-pie, Burkley. Carrying her natural lifestyle over into her role of mother was a common-sense transition for this former elementary school teacher turned crunchy-mama. Research is her passion and her friends and family know that she is almost always ready with a stash of resources bookmarked to answer any of their natural parenting questions. While she admits to being on the computer more than she should be, she has been happily adjusting to her new life as a stay-at-home mom after moving back home to the Quad Cities (along the Mississippi River) from Chicago, by spending time with her family and newly found mom-friends. She is currently saving up money to become a certified postpartum doula. You can find Adrienne at Mommying My Way.

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