How to Respond Respectfully to Unwanted Parenting Advice and Judgment

February 14th, 2012 | 19 Comments
Written by Amy
Posted in Parenting Philosophies

Welcome to the February 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Respectful Interactions With Other Parents

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have focused on how we can communicate with other parents compassionately.

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Parenting can bring out the most interesting advice and remarks from people who we may not even know and of course, those close to us as well. Sometimes we don’t want this advice. Sometimes we resist it with every fiber of our being. There are many reasons for this, some of which we will explore. I would also like to offer some alternatives to reacting in such situations and instead responding respectfully.

The following steps can be considered now and applied in moments of receiving unwanted parenting advice and judgment.

The first step in learning how to respond respectfully to another person’s judgment is to listen. Yes, really. When we most want to shut down and run away, if we allow ourselves to listen with our whole bodies and not tout back we may be able to feel the essence of the message – even if it initially seems hidden beneath layers of judgment. This may take practice because in order to hear what another is saying we get to become comfortable with acknowledging our own feelings.

Inside of most advice, and even criticism, is caring. People have their own opinions and experiences with children and they want to share what they think is valuable. Sometimes we may not find the information valuable and  yet we can still connect with the concern at the base of the message. If you’re wondering why, keep reading.

The second step is in noticing our own judgment. We can judge ourselves super harshly, until we learn how to do otherwise. When you hear what another is saying about your parenting or children does it feed into your own self judgment or do you automatically sling judgment back onto the person you feel it is coming from? While you are listening to what the person is saying, feeling what you are feeling, just notice any judgment. We judge from our perspectives, which are developed through out our life time, and we can benefit from being aware of those perspectives so we can soften them a bit and connect more deeply with ourselves and others. This does not mean we must use advice or internalize criticism we do not agree with. We’re still talking about a very internal process here.

The third step is really allowing ourselves to feel the root our our reactions. The main thing that stops us from responding respectfully to unwanted parenting advice and judgment is a sense of violation in some form. We can feel hurt, judged, like we are wrong, or that what is suggested simply harms children. These feelings may have complete validity. We can benefit from honoring them on the inside through breathing intently into our bodies, noticing our breath acknowledge any emotional sensations, while inquiring into what we are really feeling. Am I feeling attacked? Do I feel this person has no right to offer me parenting advice? Do I think what is offered is abuse or maltreatment of children? Do I feel superior in my knowledge or experience? Notice the thoughts and related feelings. Don’t judge, just notice.

The fourth step involves examining your parenting values. While doing the above three steps for a while, make a list of your parenting values. What is really important to you and what do you want to model in relationship to others? Is it important to you that you model respect or advocacy? Can you combine the two? Is it important that you model sticking up for yourself or kindly thanking someone for what they offer while knowing you won’t use a bit of it? Can you combine the two? Is it important that you offer alternatives to parent bashing or is it important that you join the crowd? Can you choose a mutually respectful option for you, your family, and the world? Make a pact with yourself to explore options of respectfully communicating with those who you feel judged by if that is important to you.

The fifth step embraces appreciation. In the last few years I have found that the simple practice  of appreciating whatever comes my way to be profoundly healing. By allowing judgment from others to clue me in to my own self judgment or tendency to judge others, I can change the way I look at life and others. In appreciating even the unwanted advice I can see how to become more clear about the way I do want to parent, and put it into action. With each seemingly unwanted piece of information I get to examine and choose whether that fits me, and if it doesn’t what I am going to do about it. Am I going to become an activist? Am I going to educate others? Am I going to practice so intently that I walk my talk and it speaks for itself? Appreciating even the tough stuff can help us to make decisions about what we want, what we choose, and to apply it deeply to our lives.

The sixth step offers a response. Once the internal work is established, we can reply if we feel that is appropriate. There are several ways to respond respectfully.

One way is to remember the golden rule: treat others as we want to be treated. A simple “thank you” can suffice and it’s not necessarily directed at the information, but the caring at the basis.

Silence is also golden at times. No words can say a lot, especially when we’re working our inner process and not throwing back judgmental daggers. We can even smile as we consider what is being said and how we will respond.

Asking questions can help us understand as well as open the door to be understood. Sometimes a person will offer what we feel is criticism when they did not mean it that way at all. Sometimes it is meant that way in anger, but once explored we find out the person felt hurt by something we said or something unrelated. Some questions to open the conversation may include “Can you tell me more about that?” or “I appreciate you sharing with me. What brings you to feel that way?” or “I would like to understand. It sounds like you mean _____? Is that correct?”

Another possibility is to educate. If we are offered information that feels way off and we are familiar with alternatives that work, we can share. Instead of getting into a debate we can ask if the person is open to information and share from our personal experience such as “You know, I’ve tried that and what I’ve found works for us is …” or “That’s interesting, we do this and it works really well right now” or “I haven’t tried that, I will consider it along the way.” Considering doesn’t mean we must try it; we can certainly choose not to try something that doesn’t work for us.

The seventh step is to continue the inner work. As we become more comfortable parenting in line with our own values, judgment rolls off of our backs like water on a duck. It just doesn’t stick. The key to becoming comfortable is doing the work to parent with integrity and from what I gather, that’s a life long process.

Enjoy the journey, I know I am.

Photo Credit: JVShock

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon February 14 with all the carnival links.)

• How to Respond Respectfully to Unwanted Parenting Advice and Judgment — At Natural Parents Network, Amy (of Peace 4 Parents) offers some ways to deal with parenting advice and criticism, whether it’s from your mom or the grocery store clerk.
• Judgement is Natural – Just Don’t Condemn — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shared her views on why judgment is unavoidable and why the bigger issue is condemnation.
• Four Ways To Share Your Parenting Philosophy Gently — Valerie at Momma in Progress shares tips for communicating with fellow parents in a positive, peaceful manner.
• When Other Parents Disagree With You — Being an attachment parent is hard enough, but when you are Lily, aka Witch Mom, someone who does not enforce gender roles on her kid, who devalues capitalism and materialism, and instead prefers homeschooling and homesteading — you are bound to disagree with someone, somewhere!
• Mama Bashing — Lucy at Dreaming Aloud reflects on the hurt caused on the blogosphere by mama bashing and pleads for a more mindful way of dealing with differences.
• Accentuate the Positive — Joella at Fine and Fair shares how she manages interactions with the parents she encounters in her work as a Parent Coach and Substance Abuse Counselor by building trusting relationships and affirming strengths.
• The politics of mothers – keys to respectful interactions with other parents — Tara from MUMmedia offers great tips for handling the inevitable conflict of ideas and personalities in parenting/mother’s groups, etc.
• Trying to build our village — Sheila at A Gift Universe tells how she went from knowing no other moms in her new town to building a real community of mothers.
• Internet Etiquette in the Mommy Wars — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses how she handles heated topics in the “Mommy-space” online.
• Parenting with Convictions — Sarah at Parenting God’s Children encourages love and support for fellow parents and their convictions.
• How To Be Respectful Despite Disagreeing On Parenting Styles… — Jenny at I’m a Full-Time Mummy shares her two cents’ worth on how to have respectful interactions with other parents despite disagreeing on parenting styles.
• Public Relations — Momma Jorje touches on keeping the peace when discussing parenting styles.
• Navigating Parenting Politics — Since choosing an alternative parenting style means rejecting the mainstream, Miriam at The Other Baby Book shares a few simple tips that can help avoid hurt feelings.
• Hiding in my grace cave — Lauren at Hobo Mama wants to forget that not all parents are as respectful and tolerant as the people with whom she now surrounds herself.
• Carnival of Natural Parenting – Respectful Interactions with Other Parents — Wolfmother at Fabulous Mama Chronicles explores how her attitude has changed regarding sharing information and opinions with others and how she now chooses to keep the peace during social outings.
• Empathy and respect — Helen at zen mummy tries to find her zen in the midst of the Mummy Wars.
• Not Holier Than Thou — Amyables at Toddler in Tow muses about how she’s learned to love all parents, despite differences, disagreements, and awkward conversations.
• Nonviolent Communication and Unconditional Love — Wendylori at High Needs Attachment reflects on the choice to not take offense as the key to honest and open communication.
• Respectful Parenting As a Way of Life — Sylvia at MaMammalia writes about using her parenting philosophy as a guide to dealing with other parents who make very different choices from her.
• Homeschooling: Why Not? — Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling shares how parents can often make homeschooling work for their family even if, at first glance, it may seem daunting.
• If You Can’t Say Something Nice… — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells her philosophy for online and offline interactions … a philosophy based primarily on a children’s movie.
• Different Rules for Different Families — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children discusses how differences between families affect our children, and how that can be a good thing.
• Respectful Interaction With Other Parents — Luschka at Diary of a First Child shares the ways she surrounds herself with a like-minded support network, so that she can gently advocate in her dealings with those whose opinions on parenting differ vastly from her own.

• Parenting as a mirror — Rather than discrediting others’ parenting styles, Kate Wicker discusses why she tries to focus on doing right rather than being right — and why she’s also not afraid to show others that she’s a heartfelt but imperfect mama just trying to be the best mom for her family.
• The One Thing {Most} Parents Have In Common: They Try Their Best — Christine at African Babies Don’t Cry finds interacting with other parents easier once she accepts that they are all just trying their best, just like her.
• Finding your mama-groove: 5 ways to eliminate judge/be judged metality — MudpieMama reveals 5 ways of thinking that have helped her find her mama-groove and better navigate tricky parenting discussions.
• Speaking Up For Those Who Can’t — We’ve all had those moments when someone said something hurtful or insensitive, or downright rude that just shocks you to your core, and you’re stunned into silence. Afterwards, you go home and think “Gosh, I wish I said…” This post by Arpita at Up Down, And Natural is for all the breastfeeding mamas who have thought “Gosh, I wish I said…”
• Thank you for your opinion — Gaby at Tmuffin shares her go-to comment when she feels like others are judging her parenting style.
• Mending — A playground conversation about jeans veers off course until a little mending by Kenna at Million Tiny Things is needed.
• The Thing You Don’t Know — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy talks about what she believes is one of the most important things you can consider when it comes to compassionate communication with other parents.
• 3 Tips for Interacting with Other Parents Respectfully When You Disagree with Them — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares what she has learned about respectful interactions on her parenting journey.
• Peacefully Keeping My Cool: Quotes from Ana — How do you keep your cool? Ana from Pandamoly shares some of her favorite retorts and conversation starters when her Parenting Ethos comes into question.
• Kind Matters — Carrie at Love Notes Mama discusses how she strives to be the type of person she’d want to meet.
• Doing it my way but respecting your highway. — Terri from Child of the Nature Isle is determined to walk with her family on the road less travelled whether you like it or not!
• Saying “I’m Right and You’re Wrong” Seldom Does Much To Improve Your Cause… — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment writes about how living by example motivates her actions and interactions with others.
• Have another kid and you won’t care — Cassie of There’s a Pickle in My Life, after having her second child, knows exactly how to respond to opposing advice.
• Ten Tips to Communicate Respectfully, Even When You Disagree — What if disagreements with our partners, our children or even complete strangers ultimately led to more harmony and deeper connections? They can! Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares ten tips to strengthen our relationships in the midst of conflict.
• A Little Light Conversation — Zoie at TouchstoneZ explains why respect needs to be given to every parent unconditionally.
• Why I used to hide the formula box — Laura at Pug in the Kitchen finally talks about how judgement between parents changed her views on how she handles differences in parenting.
• Assumptions — Nada at minimomist discusses how not everyone is able to nurse, physically, mentally, or emotionally.
• Shushing Your Inner Judgey McJudgerson — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction knows that judging others is easy to do, but recognizing that we all parent from different perspectives takes work.
• Respectfully Interacting with Others Online — Lani at Boobie Time Blog discusses the importance of remaining respectful behind the disguise of the internet.
• Presumption of Good Will — Why — and how — Crunchy Con Mommy is going to try to assume the best of people she disagrees with on important issues.
• Being Gracious with Parenting Advice — Tips for giving and receiving parenting advice with grace from Lisa at My World Edenwild.
• Explain, Smile, Escape — Don’t know what to do when you’re confronted by another parent who disagrees with you? Amy at Anktangle shares a story from her life along with a helpful method for navigating these types of tricky situations (complete with a handy flow chart!).
• Balancing Cultures and Choices — Dulce de leche discusses the challenges of walking the tightrope between generations while balancing cultural and family ties.
• Linky – Parenting Peacefully with Social Media — Hannabert’s Mom discusses parenting in a social media world.