The other day, something absolutely wonderful happened to me. I was at my Yoga For Fertility class, which is a very small intimate group. We always start our practice by checking in with each other, and how the week has been, and where we are emotionally that week with our trying to conceive journey. Yesterday one of my lovely new friends from the class announced that she was pregnant. . . and I was genuinely happy for her! I know to those who have not had to struggle with infertility this seems like a totally normal occurrence. Who wouldn’t be happy to hear about a pregnancy? However, for the last few years, I have not been able to be happy for someone when they announce a pregnancy. At least not at first. Of course, I would always come around, but whenever I’ve heard a pregnancy announcement, the first reaction for these last years has been being thrown into at least a few hours ( more often a day or two) of depression, anger and jealousy.
There have been a few defining moments for me through our trying to conceive journey, and this was absolutely one of the magical ones I know I’ll never forget. It was the day I realized the anger was gone. I waited for the jealousy and grief to sweep over me. I almost invited it, but it just didn’t come. I realized that I had finally let go of the anger, jealousy, and resentment that have been holding me back and changed who I was before our struggle with infertility.
I’ve been reflecting on why and how this happened. Why now, all of a sudden, after over three years of trying and agonizing month after month. After all, I am still not pregnant. I am still just starting a brand new cycle, which is normally the hardest point for me. What changed? Then I realized, I had accepted where I am at this moment in my life. For a long time, I thought the acceptance of my husband and I being child free meant that I was choosing to want to stay child free – and that stopped me. I cannot imagine our life child free forever. What I have realized, however, is that I do not need to want to stay child free forever in order to accept that this is where I am today. At this moment. Now. And I am okay. We are okay.
I cannot imagine our life child free forever. Like a ton of bricks, the realization hit me. I cannot imagine our life child free forever . . . because we won’t be child free forever. I know that, and I have known that all along, but have been letting my anger and jealousy cloud that beautiful clarity.
One of the greatest things yoga for fertility has given me is the ability to see that our baby is not some phantom illusive dream off in the future. Our baby has a spirit and is here with me and my husband waiting for his or her time to join us in a divine form that we can recognize as life. It was a concept that has been lingering in my mind and had even been mentioned to me about a year ago by a close friend. I wasn’t able to fully grasp the concept at that time, but yoga has opened my heart and my mind to this reality.
As much as my husband and I have decided to be parents, our baby is choosing when to join our existence. Through meditation I had often spoken to our baby before and let him or her know that we are ready for his or her presence in our life. What I had never asked before starting my yoga for fertility, was if he or she wanted to say anything to us. I had never asked if our baby was ready for us. Now as I am guided through my yoga practice, I can ask our baby what he or she needs from my husband and I. I am able to wait for the answers in my heart and absorb what he or she is trying to teach us. What I have realized through yoga is that there is no beginning and end of life. I am already a mother. Our baby knows me, and I know the softness of their soul and the warmth of their heart. I can feel it, and I know it is real.
In the deepest part of my soul, I know that one day very soon, I will feel our baby in my arms.
Arpita has a background in sociology and psychology and is studying to be a Post Partum Doula. She has a special interest in helping mothers establish the breastfeeding relationship and sharing information about natural/attachment parenting. She lives in Canada with her husband. As they await their first pregnancy, Arpita writes about alternative fertility treatments including acupuncture for fertility, naturopathic medicine and ayurvedic medicine (and offers giveaways) at Up, Down and Natural. In her spare time she enjoys yoga, cooking, baking, knitting, scrapbooking and photography.
This post has been edited from a version previously published at Up, Down & Natural.