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5 Responses to United Family

  1. Sheila  

    I wish this was more talked about. No one (myself included) wants to blog publicly about conflict with their spouse, but it’s a real problem when it happens. My husband and I disagree on a lot of parenting issues. Our general goals are the same, but often we find ourselves arguing about the details. He thought that I should parent his way, even when I was doing the majority of the childcare, and that didn’t seem fair to me — him making the decisions, and me doing the work, work made more difficult for me because of his decisions. So I told him, “I’m not trying to cut you out of the loop. When you’re with the kids you can do it your way. But when I’m with the kids, I’m going to do it my way.” It’s not a perfect solution, and I’ve had to stop myself many times from interfering when he’s with them, but it seems to work better than any of the alternatives. And the kids don’t seem confused by it — they know the difference between me and Dad.

    • Sheila  

      That is exactly how we came to the same conclusion! I think it’s unfair to expect me to parent by someone else’s standards. At the same time, I had to admit it was unfair to ask my husband to parent in a way he didn’t agree with either. So we each do it our own way. In time our two ways have gotten more similar as we’ve picked up the best of each other’s “style.” With other things I really do have to bite my tongue. A little more TV on the weekends won’t hurt in the long term even if it drives me crazy at the time.

  2. Amy Phoenix  

    Thank you, Dulce. This is an important topic and I feel grateful you have written about it. 🙂

  3. Katir

    Dulce, keep writing. You have words and experience that are nourishing to hear.

    I especially enjoyed your post about discipline and the strong willed child. Valuing connection through the process . . .


  4. simon

    While I like the sentiment, I have to disagree to some extent. I watched my cousin play divide-and-conquer, and she ended up ruling the roost. There was so little solidarity between the parents that this ended up driving a real wedge between the parents.

    While I agree that my kids are my allies in the long run, I also know that it’s important for us, as adults, to set boundaries and parameters, and for our children to grow up with a certain amount of structure built into their lives. Part of that is setting house rules that my wife and I agree to enforce.

    You’re right, there are some things that we do when mom’s not around, and some things they do when I’m not around, but those are more like different activities, amount of TV, etc. But those variations are still within the agreed-upon house boundaries.