Weaning and the Changing Role of Mothering
My baby has weaned. He’s three an a half years old. A big boy, yes. But my baby – my last baby.
I still vividly remember nursing him . . . my little snorting, grunting, squeaker. Snuggled up to me, tiny feet against my belly, filling his own. When he was full, he’d pull his head away with an audible POP!, purse his lips to the ceiling, then settle his tiny head on my breast and sleep, fulfilled, satisfied. My little one. So long ago, but I can still easily bring to mind the feel of the top of his head pressed against my upper arm, and my breathing in the warm, sweet, milky smell of his baby fine hair as we’d drift off to sleep. Breastfeeding mama-and-baby bliss.
His weaning marks the close of one of the most amazing parts of my life, so far: breastfeeding my children. The six years I have spent nursing were some times when I felt most needed, most helpful, most challenged, most useful, most utterly female.
To think of the years I spent nursing my two children and that I will likely never nurse another baby again nearly brings tears to my eyes. It’s not all sadness, those tears, not really . . . it’s a strange feeling. A bit of loss, wistfulness, pride, remembrance, transition. The transition was easier for me with my first, because when my daughter weaned herself at nearly four years old, my son was still nursing. But now that they are both done, now that I am no longer nourishing and healing and comforting my children with my breasts, my mothering role is changing.
Certainly, what it means for me to be a mother has been in continual flux for years – changing ever since my first baby was born – you really do grow along with your children. And the role of breastfeeding itself changes too – from the constant need for physical nourishment of an exclusively breastfed infant to much less frequent emotional comfort needs of a nursing toddler. Thankfully, Mother Nature makes those changes gradual: when babies and children self-wean, they do so in a way that lets you, your body, and your mind (and that of your children) more gracefully accept and adapt to the changes. But still, it’s not easy. Even though its been months since I’ve nursed, the real thought that I’m no longer a nursing mother – that I’ll no longer be able to use that valuable mothering tool of breastfeeding – for soothing, comforting, feeding, nourishing, healing – feels a bit uprooting.
But breastfeeding was, and always has been, primarily about what my children needed. They no longer need my milk; they’ve both transitioned out of their baby stage. And thus, I’ve been transitioning myself out of my baby-nurturing stage.
I’ve been putting out some new mothering roots, trying out new tools, and am feeling excited to continue venturing into this next stage of independence with both of my children. I will always treasure – and be eternally grateful for – those years of breastfeeding that I was blessed and lucky to be able to share with my children.
I watch them now – nursing their own “babies” – and I hope that their current belief and understanding of breastfeeding as normal, natural, nurturing, and wonderful stays with them through their lives; that they will have the privilege and good fortune to breastfeed (or support their partner in breastfeeding) their own children in the future.
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Kelly is an attachment parenting, gentle disciplining, vegetarian, working mom of two Montessori-schooled kids. She’s been a family bed sharer, tandem breastfeeder, and babywearer. Kelly loves to garden, read, help her husband run their business, and find fun places to go adventuring with her family. She blogs at KellyNaturally.com.
Kelly Moore, Author of KellyNaturally.com
Photo credit: Kelly @KellyNaturally.com
7 Responses to Weaning and the Changing Role of Mothering
I love this Kelly. My older boy weaned in November at 3 years 10 months. It was interesting to learn how to parent him in different ways. I mean, not different, because it’s not… but it’s just different. (See this is why you wrote this post and not me!). I’m still nursing my 22 month old, but I love to hear of life after nursing. I have no doubt I’ll miss it when I’m done but I’m enjoying the new challenges and joys of parenting a child who is not nursing while still nursing my other.
It’s been a learning experience… but my 2nd is usually pretty flexible and go-with-the-flow, so I think that made it easier on us both – he wasn’t really the type to nurse solely for comfort so we already had some other tools in our toolbox.
Some of the biggest changes/challenges have been hormonal & adjusting my eating – I’ve felt less hungry than I have in about 7 years, and that’s a challenge – to re-learn eating – or rather, NOT eating and only eating when you’re really hungry. And I do truly miss the boost of hormones associated with pregnancy and nursing. I don’t think it’s coincedental that I’ve taken up drinking more coffee during the day, and herbal tea at night to help balance. I’m planning to incorporate more writing and yoga into my life as well for mood-boosting!
dear kelly:
i’m also an attachment parent, and mom of montessori-schooled children
i think this post is absolutely fantastic. congratulations. both of my girls [2&5] were breastfed until the were 2. they are both thumb-suckers. in fact in a ultra-sound at 7 months, my husband & i both saw our eldest raise her thumb to her mouth to suck, so we know that her desire to suck her thumb was innate.
with my second, i was quite anxious abt breastfeeding & wanted her to wean @ 2 just like her older sister. she was very intense & wanted to feed all the time. which was her right, and i did so on demand. what i know now, is that she could have and would have continued beyond the age of 2, but i felt so constrained, and i wanted the “freedom” to move beyond breastfeeding.
at present she too sucks her thumb. and if i am around, she will come to me and snuggle in my arms and stroke my arm. that’s right, i have become her blankie. it’s very sweet, and i’m not trying to wean her because clearly she wants and needs that comfort.
anyway, i just wanted to share. i applaud you for breastfeeding until 3 1/2. i didn’t know that it was “ok” and perhaps if i did, i wld have continued. it’s hard to say in hindsight, but it’s comforting to know that you are comfortable, which in turn will make other moms comfortable too.
thanks for sharing!
xobolaji
I could write this exact post in a few months from now or whenever we finally get off this slow boat towards weaning. I’ve been breastfeeding a solid 6 1/4 years now between two kids. I know I’m going to miss it immensely.
What a lovely description of a mother’s love through breastfeeding. Thank you for sharing, Kelly
Very nice tale of weaning. So did your milk stay through the pregnancy then? We’re TTC and I’m a bit worried about my strong nursing relationship with our 1yo (16mo) daughter.
I am reassured by your article here.
My milk stayed through my pregnancy, and we tandem nursed for 20 months before my older son weaned at 3 years 10 months. I highly recommend the book “Adventures of Tandem Nursing” – it really helped with so many of my pregnancy questions even before my little arrived to tandem nurse.